Kindergarten

I love my Ella. I love her more than I know how to say in words on paper or aloud. Still, I have often found myself drooling over the idea of having days at home with the potential of only two people screaming at me for food or drink or attention instead of 3. I've longed for the peaceful quiet of all the children in the house napping (Ella gave me that on occasion, but it's nearly a guarantee that Asher and Thea will be sleeping concurrently for at least 1.5 hours if not 3). What will I do with all my "alone" time?

And yet, today, as Ella and I strolled hand in hand through her new kindergarten teachers classroom, the only thought that kept passing through my mind was- I think I'm going to vomit.

Asher and Ella were in daycare all day long for 3 days a week before I quit my job. They were at their wonderful daycare center for 10 hours on some days.

So, I'm not sure what my problem is.

Most shocking, I think, was the class roster of 25 children. All of the sudden, my daughter is going to be 1 of 25. And not 1 of 3. Actually, she's going to be 1 of 800 in the entire school. Those of you who know her well may think I'm crazy for wondering whether she'll get lost in the crowd, but I know her well enough to know that she might decide she's going to be shy in this situation. And she might not let her true colors show. There may be no impromptu dance routines, knock knock jokes or made up songs. What if she just sits and the teacher can get no more from her than a mumbled "Hi"?

I just want her to be good and happy and a friend to all. I don't want her to be hurt and I don't want her to be the cause of any other poor little 5 year old's hurt, either. I tried to explain that some kid might tell her they hate her shirt or something like that. I told her to say "That's OK if you hate my shirt. I like my shirt. And I also like yours." Tonight she regurgitated that scenario to me except she said "It's OK if you hate my shirt. Because I hate your shirt, too!"

I still remember in the 5th grade cloakroom when Andrea Bolsen looked me straight in the eye and said "Your sweater is ugly."

I loved that sweater. And I'd wear it today if I still had it and could fit into it. But it hurt when Andrea said she didn't like it.

Anyway, first day of school is tomorrow. It's a big deal.